Welcome back to Rhode Island Movie Corner’s list of the Top
10 worst films of 2013. This is Part 2; if you haven’t read ‘Part 1’ yet, I
suggest you do so before reading this. Now, it’s time to look at my picks for
the Top 5 worst films of the year and boy are these films bad. We have another
comedy at Number 5, one of the many ‘parodies’ (I use that term loosely) that
came out this year. It isn’t the worse of this bunch, but that still doesn’t
mean that it’s any good.
5. A Haunted House
Now the reason why I say this wasn’t the worst comedy, or
parody, of the year is because while it is a film that is part of a genre that
has continued to die a most slow and painful death over the years thanks to the
hacks known as Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (I pity those who actually
watched their latest film, ‘The Starving Games’), at least this parody stays
consistent in terms of what it’s parodying; the found footage horror films,
specifically ‘Paranormal Activity’. Most of the parodies today are incredibly
inconsistent because they just parody whatever’s popular but this film at least
manages not to do that. Still, the movie’s not that funny at all. The big
problem with this one for me is that it kind of feels too mean-spirited. It
uses the ‘N’ word repeatedly to the point where it starts to get annoying; the
characters themselves are equally annoying. But, in the end, this film was a success
at the box office due to its low budget and now a sequel is set to come out
next March… S***! You asked for it, folks.
At number 4 is the latest film in a long-running action film
franchise. However, when watching it, you probably wouldn’t get the idea that
it is a film in that franchise because all this film really shares to it in
comparison is its title and nothing else. Ooh does this one piss me off.
4. A Good Day to Die Hard
For the longest time, I was certain that this film would be
my pick for the Worst film of the year. 3 other films managed to be worse than
this one, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to rip it a new one. This is
easily the worst action film I’ve seen in a long time and a complete insult to
the once-great ‘Die Hard’ franchise. I know that a lot of people weren’t really
fans of the PG-13 rated ‘Live Free or Die Hard’ but I actually do like that one
because while it did tone down the violence and John McClane was pretty much invincible
for most of the film, it still felt like a ‘Die Hard’ movie, unlike this one.
This movie may be rated ‘R’ like the first three films, but you wouldn’t
notice. The PG-13 rated ‘Die Hard’ was more violent than this one. There are
numerous sins to this film that completely go against what made these movies
great in the first place.
First off, the villains are terrible, something that shouldn’t
be the case with a ‘Die Hard’ villain. There are a total of four ‘villains’ in
this movie; one of them is a guy who seemed to be the main bad guy as suggested
by the trailer but in the end he isn’t. All he ever does in this film is eat a
carrot and tap dance around. Then you have the daughter of this guy who John
McClane and his son are supposed to protect who’s just… there, and then that
guy they were protecting turns out to be the main villain in the end… too bad
he’s completely boring and unmemorable. There’s this other guy whose like this corrupt
Russian official, but he really doesn’t play any real part in this. So in
total, there are as many villains as there were main villains in the last four
films, and they all frigging suck. Actually, strike that, this film actually
has some of the biggest villains in the history of the franchise… director John
Moore and writer Skip Woods. The direction is terrible and the story is so
convoluted; I mean let’s be honest, ‘Die Hard’ films have rather simple plots
(a terrorist is trying to take over the world, and McClane has to stop him) but
if you asked me to describe the plot of this film, I would have a real hard
time doing so because there’s so much going on in this film and yet so little at
the same time that I wouldn’t be able to give you a clear synopsis.
Another big problem with the film is that John McClane and
his son are pretty much invincible in this film. ‘Live Free or Die Hard’ also
started to lean towards this, but in this one, it’s far worse. For example, the
finale takes place in Chernobyl, which is apparently safe to be in now that
John and Jack go in without any protective gear despite, you know, that ‘meltdown’
that took place in 1986? Apparently, Woods didn’t know about that. Because of
this, there’s absolutely no tension whatsoever. What made these films great in
the first place was that John McClane was the ‘everyman’ who got caught in
tough situations but persisted through them in order to save the day. That’s no
longer the case now. No matter what is thrown at John and his son (who have
absolutely no chemistry by the way… this is not the fault of Bruce Willis and
Joel Courtney, for the record. It’s just the terrible writing), they come out
with barely any scratches on them. If you haven’t figured it out yet, this is
the worst film in the Die Hard series. Hell, it shouldn’t even be considered as
a ‘Die Hard’ film; it’s just your typical average action film starring Bruce
Willis… which earned over 300 million at the box office. UGH!!!! Somehow, three
other films are worse than this.
Number 3 is another film that is the latest in its
franchise. It’s a franchise that I’m not too familiar with, but after this one
I don’t know if I want to be.
3. Scary Movie 5
I’ve never seen any of the ‘Scary Movie’ films; I guess
that’s because I really hate the new ‘standard’ for parody films these days as
brought on by Seltzerberg, who ironically were co-writers with the Wayans
brothers on the first ‘Scary Movie’. In a sense, you can kind of argue that the
first ‘Scary Movie’ was the film that was responsible for this current trend
but I’ve heard generally okay things about it. Anyway, now we come to ‘Scary
Movie 5’. You know, it just blows my mind that there are five of these films.
In fact, it’s been about 7 years since the last ‘Scary Movie’ came out and this
one does not feature some of the same people from the last one, so why bother?
To milk the franchise, I’m guessing. That’s what studios tend to do with big
franchises these days. Again, I haven’t seen any of them, but after this one, I
kind of don’t want to. First off, even as far as recent parodies go, this one
feels really dated. Some of its ‘parodies’ include ‘Inception’ and ‘Black Swan’,
films that came out 3 years ago. There are some ‘parodies’ of more recent
flicks, like ‘Cabin in the Woods’ and the ‘Evil Dead’ remake (in the case of
the latter, a film that came out just a week before this film) but on a whole,
as you might guess, it’s not funny. Perhaps the biggest reason why this one in
particular is so high up on the list is that some things that happen in this
movie are just… weird. That’s not a good sign when my response towards most of
the movie is ‘what the hell am I watching?’ Like ‘A Good Day to Die Hard’, this
one looked like it would be my pick for the worst film of the year, but then we
have the next two.
For many critics, this is easily one of their worst films of
the year. Obviously, I share the same sentiment but this one had more attention
than the next film on this list. Still, this one is just horrible and it’s
really sad considering that a lot of talented people were attached to this one.
2. Movie 43
You know, looking back, this one really doesn’t piss me off
as much as it just saddens me. Here is a movie with a gigantic cast of very
talented people, with stars like Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Richard Gere,
Terrence Howard, Halle Berry, Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, and many more. But
the whole film itself is just painfully unfunny. It’s trying to be the next big
‘sketch comedy’ film but it just fails in every regard. What’s even worse is
that it has all of these talented actors/actresses doing extremely degrading
material; Hugh Jackman plays a man who has a pair of testicles on his neck (why
do I have the sinking feeling this cost him the Oscar?), there’s a sketch
involving this product called the ‘iBabe’ which is an MP3 player shaped like a
naked woman, and… good god, I don’t want to go any farther than that. From what
I hear, a lot of these actors/actresses did not even want to be a part of the
film… but unfortunately this film is a stain on their careers now. For a while,
I thought this would be the worst film of the year, but…
(Sigh), finally we’ve come to Number 1 and… the following
film… is the worst piece of s*** I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve seen some bad
movies (the Seltzerberg films, Sucker Punch, half of the films on this list)
but this is just an utter abomination and embarrassment to not just the film industry
itself, but to anyone who loves movies. If you thought ‘Movie 43’ was bad, wait
until you get a load of this.
1 Inappropriate Comedy
There are two kinds of ‘bad movies’. Films like ‘Batman and
Robin’, ‘The Room’, and the previously mentioned ‘Sharknado’ are films that,
while bad, do have some entertainment value to them because of how bad they
are. But a film like this is just plain horrendous; there’s absolutely nothing
in this that is the least bit entertaining. Like ‘Movie 43’, this is trying to
be a ‘sketch comedy’ but here we have nothing but down-right rip-offs of other
successful movies/TV shows. There’s ‘Flirty Harry’, which is a rip-off of Dirty
Harry trying to be a parody where former Oscar-winner Adrien Brody (oh, how
some have fallen from grace) tries to do a Clint Eastwood impersonation and all
of his dialogue consists of double entendres. There’s ‘The Porno Review’ which
is like ‘At the Movies’, only here the movies are pornos. Roger Ebert and Gene
Siskel must be rolling in their graves because of this. There’s ‘Blackass’,
which is ‘Jackass’ just with a black cast.
But the worst is easily ‘The Amazing Racist’, where this
guy, Ari Shaffer, goes around in the style of Borat acting very racist towards
Asians, African Americans, and Jews. One scene has him acting like a driving
school instructor and making fun of Asian stereotypes and the ‘victims’ of them
give him the proper angry response that he deserves. WHO THE HELL WOULD PUT UP
WITH THIS A-HOLE? It’s not like ‘Borat’ because while he too was acting weird
and a little racist (albeit in Borat’s case, more in his portrayal than his
actions towards other people) at times, at least Sacha Baron Cohen has more
decency than this guy. There’s another scene which is part of the ‘Blackass’
sketch where a woman goes to a new baby store and is told that the store has
some babysitters for hire. It turns out that these ‘sitters’ are the ‘Blackass’
crew. It’s not a good sign if, during this scene, I have a sinking feeling that
the woman is going to be either raped or murdered and these men are going to
take her baby. That’s all I have to say because I really don’t want to remember
anything more about this. Stay away from this horrendous piece of crap by any
means necessary. I think this movie needs a new title; would ‘Cinematic Torture’
work?
F***… THIS… MOVIE!!!!
…
And those are the worst films of the year. Thankfully, now
we can move on to the good stuff. Check back soon for the first part of my ‘Best
films of the year’ list.
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